How’s Aunty Priscilla and the children? Fine eh? How could they possibly not be when you’re the Balogun of all social networks? Mark-Mark!
Anyway, the reason I’m writing to you today is because I have a very small issue that is threatening my sanity. The whole world can agree that Whatsapp is the best and worst thing that has happened to the internet age. It has sustained relationships as much as it has destroyed them, but I’m not talking about how the last seen feature has put me in trouble with toasters and loved ones alike. No. Not today.
When we heard that you’d acquired whatsapp, we were busy shouting “tusshi great ho” in admiration for the businessman that you are. We thought you’d have the common sense to block our parents messages from getting to us if they were over 20 lines long (or was it just me that thought so), but you didn’t, instead you quickly abandoned us and ran to buy snapchat. Do you really think having pictorial statuses on whatsapp are that important? You people have just one job, to make the whatsapp experience better and you are yet to do it.
Like, are our sins that numerous, that we must be plagued with whatsapp broadcast messages as punishment? Why won’t you make it stop, Mark? Why? Why? It’s probably not so bad for you but me, I have two parents, a very social media savvy Aunt (you know the ones that stay abroad are called Aunt while the ones here in Nigeria are called Aunty), family friends, my pastor, my mother’s pastor and toasters raining broadcast messages on me day and night. And these messages have the same tales of some, soap or cream or juice that is still killing people since 2012. It just has to be something that’ll murder people.
The only upside to this suffering I’m enduring is the knowledge that there are people who wish they had parents to send them even good morning BCs on whatsapp daily. And this ones actually exist, you know. Like, good morning is just two words. Why would anyone want to send me a page of a book just to say good morning? What did I do wrong?
Have mercy, Mark. Change my story.
So I have an idea. Any message that has been sent to ten people should be regarded as seen by the world and destroyed. Yes, burn them down, the videos too.
It’s too much for me. Too much!