Happy Sunday, guys! I ate a very large bowl of oats today and my subconscious has been purring like the cute kitten she is, beckoning on us to take a nap, but I refused. I am committed to you, sleep can’t tear us apart. My home church is a Pentecostal church but it has no branch here in Uromi, so I had to find another Pentecostal church whose name I will not mention.
There’s a certain practice in some Pentecostal churches that bothers me. It doesn’t upset me at all. It just disturbs me. It is the presence of bouncers in church. Some of you may not know who church bouncers are. Worry not; Itoro is here to help you. In the typical Pentecostal church, the uniformed workforce is made up of choristers ushers, greeters (ushers who welcome you at the entrance) and protocol members. Members of the protocol are those who work outside the church building, allocating parking space, controlling traffic and ensuring security (this is church police, actually). There is a sub-section of the protocol department who work inside the church building itself. These are the people that bother me; the bouncers.
These people stand at opposite ends of the pulpit in their matching suits, their faces stone-cold, daring you to come any closer. They make me extremely uncomfortable, especially if my seat faces the front of the pulpit. I just wish they could get a chair or put their eyes down. There was this very huge one in my home church. Let’s call him Mr B. Mr B was very tall and fat and had a very thunderous voice. I used to go out of my way to avoid him. If we had to use the same exit door, I would wait until he had gone out to a comfortable distance before going out the door. I used to think that he could mistakenly swing his hand, hit me in the process and I’d pass out. During service, if Mr B was on duty, I’d try my best to not have to look at him, lest I miss the preaching. Imagine my joy when I noticed that bouncers no longer stood beside the pulpit. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be thoroughly disturbed by their very presence until I came to Uromi.
Besides the fact that there’s a rotation of bouncers every 20 minutes or so, they make them wear very colourful clothes at times. It is very distracting. One minute I’m pondering on the sermon said, the next minute, I’m wondering who was so evil as to suggest peach shirt and lemon green tie as uniform. Why do that to innocent people who just want to serve the lord? The other time, it was pepper red pants and sky blue shirt. Pepper red…oh Lord! I won’t be surprised if they were yellow and green next Sunday. Even if I felt the nudging in my heart to enlist in that workforce, their uniforms would scare me away. By the time I bring my mind back to the sermon, I’m totally lost.
While I’m complaining about this, there’s probably someone who’s criticising a church’s workforce for being too fashion-forward. I guess in the things of God, we can never win everybody’s affections. Actually, it’s the same with life generally. You can’t please everyone. Oh well…do you like the idea of church bouncers?
Photo source: www.coregrouplv.com